don’t forget the cupcakes

I went through a period where posting here was almost therapeutic, and doing it at work for a time made me feel like I was getting away with something which was fun. For the last year I’ve been going through a lot of changes – I got a job I mostly like close enough to live in the city I mostly love, and it seems like things couldn’t help but look up.

Mostly they have, but here lately I’ve been feeling that itch again. The feeling that it isn’t quite enough to have a good job and good friends, that there is something more out there, that I should be travelling (though I have no vacation time), writing (though I have mediocre ability) and loving (though my dating prospects are worse than blah right now).

I’ve caught myself a couple of times in the last few weeks acting crazy around my friends. I complain that I don’t go out enough but don’t accept invitations, or I change my mind about what I want to do several times in an evening, or I just let my social anxieties take over and don’t express myself at all.

The fix for all of these things seems easy on the surface. Do more, be more, think more, dream more. Follow through on goals. Be the friend you want others to be for you. And actually, if I listed out my accomplishments for the last year I would probably surprise myself. I am a home owner, I took a major step forward career wise, I took a dream trip to Tokyo, I get to see my friends more now than I ever did in my old city, and I made some super awesome cupcakes. None of those things are to be taken lightly. Especially the cupcakes.

ring in the new

This year has been one of those change-it-all-up type of things, and right now as I sit in the apartment where I am temporarily renting a room from someone I barely new a few weeks ago, I’m a little overwhelmed by everything that has gone on. Most of it has been good, for which I am supremely grateful, and I hope that this coming year will bring much more of the same.

I spent this New Year’s day mostly alone, and if how you spend the first day of the year provides a foretelling of how the rest will go I think I could do much worse. I read, I played a videogame, I went and hiked about 5 miles around a local lake, and I expect to shortly work on improving my fake drumming skills in a Rock Band jam session. I talked to friends and family, I ate some chocolate, and cookies may be on the agenda. So far, I like the new year just fine.

Here are some pictures from my walk – I hope that your day was as peaceful!

prodigalgeekgirl

Surprisingly enough, I’m not dead. I haven’t renounced all things scifi, I still know how to turn on a computer, and my friends still laugh when I opine about Neil Gaiman.

What did happen is a long, long period of feeling completely uncreative. It seemed like everyone in my life actually had one but me, and every time I started to muster the motivation to post it seemed like I just didn’t have the mental energy.

So, here’s the short and sweet idea of how things have been for me the last few months, and then perhaps I can get back to business as usual.

• In July I went to Las Vegas with some friends to see the Star Trek Experience before it closed. I gambled exactly 1 dollar in a casino so I could say I had, got sunburned walking the Hoover Dam, and drank something with dry ice in Quark’s bar that emitted many satisfying clouds of spacey vapor. Much fun was had by all, and I have some lovely Starfleet earrings to remember the experience by.
• In August I applied for and obtained a new position at a VERY big company. Better benefits, better money, and I got to move back to the town I loved to live in when I was here for graduate school – and would never have left if not for the former fiance. Currently I am couchsurfing at various friend’s houses, trying to save up some money before I find a place of my own. Mom is keeping the dog and cat for me, and I really miss them!
• I also miss my niece and nephew, both of whom turned 1 recently. Cute doesn’t even begin to describe them.
• I’ve finally made it through all seasons of Buffy, Angel, and the comic. Almost twice in fact. How did I not know about this when it was on air originally?

Right now I’m really focused on trying to do well at my new job – it is very different from what I’m used to, and I want to make a good impression and be able to be proud of myself. I’ve already had to learn lots of new things, which is what I wanted – my old job had lost some of its challenge, even though I mostly liked it and I had some really good friends there.

And… it’s about time for me to call it a night! I’m attempting to stay off the computer for an hour before I sleep… we’ll see how long that lasts.

sense and sensibility

I watched it for the eleventy-billionth time last night, my local lovely Target had the dvd for 5 bucks, quite a steal.

Observations:

• Hugh Laurie is eternally awesome (I didn’t remember that he was Mr. Palmer. I mean I did, but I didn’t, you know? Is there anything that he isn’t amazing in?)
• Emma Thompson holds more talent in her left toe than me and my entire family, including the third cousin who is a somewhat well known song writer.
• Alan Rickman is so much more attractive to me now than when I was 13. At least in this movie – not feeling the whole Snape thing.
• Ang Lee directs things you would not expect.
• I cried at the end. Again. As always.

Long story short: I still *heart* this movie. It is on the shortlist of things that I could leave on an endless loop and never get tired of watching. I think since I am lacking my very own valentine, I will have myself a nice little Jane Austen marathon and dream of large estates in the English countryside.

P.S. Hi!

P.P.S. I missed you.

best friends

j-shizzle = jenn s.
eyes only = me

[21:35] j-shizzle: moving on. i love Charming , but single.

[21:35] eyes only: isnt she the coolest?

[21:36] j-shizzle: very much so.

[21:38] eyes only: I aspire to write as funnily bla bla as she does

[21:38] j-shizzle: her and Pamie.

[21:42] eyes only: oh god
[21:42] eyes only: pamie is my girl crush for all time

[21:43] j-shizzle: lol

[21:43] eyes only: sometimes I feel creepy about adoring her so much – I feel like I know her because she is so open, and yet I don’t

[21:44] j-shizzle: lesbian mind sex?

[21:44] eyes only: lol
[21:44] eyes only: exactly
[21:45] eyes only: only with you do terms like lesbian mind sex come up in normal everyday conversation

[21:46] j-shizzle: what? This is not normal! Bah! Say you!
[21:46] j-shizzle: (semi intelligent normal everyday conversation)

[21:48] eyes only: normal j-shizzle and eyes only conversation
[21:48] eyes only: though… if you were going to go gay for anyone, who would it be?
[21:48] eyes only: besides pamie:)

[21:48] j-shizzle: hmmm. give me a min to think.
[21:54] j-shizzle: The chick who plays Callie on Greys
[21:54] j-shizzle: Sara what’s her face

[21:58] eyes only: I can see that
[21:59] eyes only: shes hot
[21:59] eyes only: I was thinking along america ferrera lines myself

[21:59] j-shizzle: She seems like a brain too.

[21:59] eyes only: possibly diablo cody though – she is hilarious

[22:02] j-shizzle: nice.

saturday outfit

Was this t-shirt and jeans. Even though I haven’t seen much of the old school BSG, I couldn’t resist when I saw this on eBay.

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My work IT department has been making noises about removing mp3 files from the employee’s pc’s, which aside from being completely unreasonable is a pain in the ass, because I have at least 30gb of music on that pc organized with star ratings, smart playlists, etc. My major task for today is to try and export my iTunes library including all metadata to my external harddrive. I’m waiting for the files to copy over now, and once that completes I’m going to take the dog for a walk – it’s a lovely breezy day, not too cold, and I need to get out of the house!

bloggish

Sadly the magnolia seed header image is taking a vacation. I liked the old layout as far as colors and flexibility are concerned, but it was a little busy and the column for the posts was narrower than I would have liked. I’ll probably keep playing with it until I find something new I like – I’m almost tempted to pay wordpress for the ability to customize my stylesheet, but I just feel icky paying for a blogging service that doesn’t allow me to monetize.

I added a couple of things to the sidebar: my twitter feed and flickr images. I’ve only had twitter for a day or two and I know it’s old news, but it is kind of fun. You can enter keywords you would like to track and then relevant tweets will be sent to your feed, so naturally I added star trek, battlestar galactica, etc. to mine. I of course don’t have access at work but it can be used with instant messaging software, your cell phone, and e-mail, and I can track my feed through google reader. It’s like the facebook status updates on steroids.

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Other than that not much is going on – I’m still working my way through Buffy Season 2, and no I didn’t borrow from the guy at work, I’m netflixing it like the chicken I am. Sigh. Last night I had some sort of sleeping fit and went to bed at 7pm, I’m sure my roommate thought I was dead, thankfully she let the dog out to do her thing before bed without being asked, which was very nice. She probably felt guilty after her dog ate my ravioli with parmesan, spinach, and chicken off of the stove before I had time to put the leftovers in the fridge. Frakking ill-mannered wildebeast.

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My dishwasher has decided it doesn’t have to drain any more, it overflowed into the kitchen and it took the combined efforts of 5 bath towels and a mop to clean up the mess. I’m still waiting for the water to drain, I hate having to call the plumber but things are looking grim.

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What else, what else. It’s friday, I’m blogging when I should be working, I had lunch at Subway with my mom (we split a turkey sandwich), and I didn’t call my dad and call him a racist asshole, so the blog entry did its trick. All in all things are looking well heading into this first weekend of 2008, I may even feel a little cheerfulness springing up from the depths of my soul, and really, what more can we ask in this life?

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Random picture of the day: my Christmas gingerbread trifle, containing layers of coffee pudding, vanilla and chocolate mousse (heavy cream, egg whites, sugar), home made gingerbread men, home made shortbread, nuts and and a candy cane. The best part was beating the candy cane to bits with a hammer.

I’m having a moment – don’t read if you are looking for something uplifting

Things I wanted to say to my “father” during my Christmas phone call:

I wish you would actually come visit sometime without the stepfamily, I don’t remember the last time you made time just for me, or for any of my siblings for that matter. I really don’t give a damn about how well my stepbrother is doing in school or about the contest my stepsister won when you would never have been able to answer those questions about me. Moving six hours away from your teenage children and rarely visiting was selfish, hurtful, and idiotic. One day when you are in a nursing home and rarely visited you will regret alienating us.

You know, maybe instead of giving me some ugly jewelry for christmas that you don’t even know if I’ll like (here’s a hint: no – I don’t even like gold), maybe you could help me pay for the dental work I need or get new brakes for my car so I don’t die driving downhill? Of course I will smile and say thank you when receiving any gift I’m given, but if you knew anything about me you’d know a gift certificate to Amazon would make my holiday. Mom knew exactly what I would like – you could have manned up and asked her.

How about instead of a down payment on a boat you help my brother buy diapers and medical care for his child? Or better yet, college tuition so he won’t have to go into debt to get an education?

I hate Nascar, football, and your stupid-ass “classic” car. I also hate racism, and if I hear one more comment about Mexicans or black people from you I’m going to have permanent damage from biting my tongue. I put up with your redneck asshole ways because you are family, but that is the only reason – and seriously, your wife is of Mexican descent. Shouldn’t your stance on immigration be just slightly more tolerant? How in the hell do you think our ancestors even got to this country? Aside from your 1/4 Native American blood you are 100% caucasian pasty white European stock (or I guess 75%, whatever), and they did not spring fully formed from the cabbage patch in Virginia, they took the damn lice infested boat to Ellis Island or wherever like everybody else did looking for a better place to raise their families and try to get by. Who the hell do you think you are to deny those kinds of opportunities to someone else?

For your information, I have no intention of pretending to like sports in order to impress a man, and frankly dating advice from a guy currently working on alienating a 4th wife is kind of insulting. If I wanted to marry an emotionally stunted redneck asshole I would have been pregnant and barefoot long ago.

Telling me you love me (when we actually converse) is no substitute for the real thing. What you really mean is you’re glad I exist in a vague sort of way but it really doesn’t affect your existence in any meaningful manner. So you know, when I say I love you what I really mean is I’m grateful you contributed sperm and the child support the courts forced out of you. Just so we’re all clear.

—-

Sorry about that folks. I’m working up to discussing some things with my father that I’ve been too cowardly to bring up before, but letting loose with a bitter diatribe on all his character faults will do no one any good, so instead I’m venting in your direction. Much safer. I have written some truly horrific e-mails in my time that would have been much better suited to an (at least somewhat) anonymous blog, and I am learning from my mistakes! Thank the internet gods for free therapy:)

time to reboot

Spent the evening with the newlyweds as well as their 3 dogs + 2 cats. Can we say zoo? We enjoyed our leftover Christmas truffles (made by yours truly) and champagne whilst watching a couple of flicks – namely Superbad and Shrek III. The first was hilarious and the second quite lame, but my brain needed the cleansing inanity of Donkey’s antics after watching the expletive-ridden exploits of McLovin and his pals.

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I’ve been off the blogging bandwagon for a bit – after November I needed a break, and the holidays have been more depressing than usual this year. Today (the first) marks 2 years since I broke up with the ex-fiance, and while I can’t say that I regret that happenstance, I do regret that I have spent 2 years of my life without someone special to share it with. Most days I don’t think about it and just go about my business, but the lack of someone to kiss while watching the ball drop or gazing on fireworks as midnight hits is not fun. Not fun at all. I now understand how I allowed myself to talk myself into the mess that was my attempt to date online – the loneliness gets to a certain level and you decide that anything is better, even rejection (or having to reject).

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Let’s move onto something less self-pitying shall we? Being slightly tipsy is no excuse at all. Instead of thinking about what I am lacking I would like to review a few of the things that made 2007 less than sucky.

• I started southerngeekgirl. This is the closest I have come to keeping any sort of journal or other expression of my thoughts with any regularity ever, and even though it has been sporadic I think it has been a good thing.
• I gained the cutest nephew ever in the entire world, and I adore my brother’s fiance like a little sister. I was so upset when I found out that they were having a baby (he’s 18, she’s 17), and it’s still not the best of situations, but how can you not be happy to see a baby? He is happy and healthy and beautiful and I don’t know if any aunt ever loved her nephew more.
• I also have a beautiful new niece, but I haven’t gotten to meet her yet since she and her parents currently reside in Japan (if I could afford the ticket I would be there in a flash!). Even though I can’t hold her I’ve been entertaining myself buying and making lovely little girl things – boy clothes aren’t nearly as fun.
• One of my very best friends in the world found her life partner and is blissfully happy (her online dating experience was much more successful than mine as I have documented here in the past). While I occasionally want to kick her husband (by which I mean I occasionally do kick her husband) he loves her and has been taking good care of her. I still have my eye on him though…
• I discovered or gained new appreciation for ze frank, Brotherhood 2.o, Neil Gaiman, Phillip Pullman, fancy beer, dogs, my inner sailor (you know, the one who knows all the curse words), Doctor Who, Dexter, Buffy, Stargate Atlantis, Supernatural, George R.R. Martin, William Gibson, Cory Doctorow, Metamor City, Ricky Gervais, Portal, Jonathan Coulton, and knee high black boots.

There were sucky things. Money is tight, work is stressful, family is dramatic and friends are distant. However, if I dwell on the bad (especially after the glass of wine I’ve been enjoying as I type) instead of appreciating the good then I’ll start the new year on a bad note, and I really want 2008 to be the year I become a more confident, kind, intelligent, and scifi-knowledgeable woman. I’ll save the self-pity for pms week.

Cheers!

recap

Work is kicking my butt lately but I have a breather for a little while so I’ll just catch you up on things, shall I?

• I spent the entire weekend sewing Christmas presents – managed to get 3 and 1/2 finished, just a couple more to go and I’ll be quite pleased. My favorite so far is made of a repurposed Ikea pillowcase that I got at a thrift store, I’ll have to post a picture once the season has passed and the possibility of spoilers has ended. I also made orders from Threadless and ThinkGeek, so far my goal of staying away from the malls and the shopping madness has been easy to attain, unless you count my visit to the mega-bookstore – which I don’t, because I go there all the time anyway.
• While I was sewing I listened to Naomi Novik’s His Majesty’s Dragon on my iPod – there’s nothing like an audiobook to keep you from getting bored or distracted when you have a manual task to do – I don’t know how I ever cleaned my house before I got my iPod. I barely do it now. Anyway, I really enjoyed the book – normally I like neither dragon stories (Eragon, Puff the Magic Dragon, Reign of Fire) or navy/ship stories (any navy or ship story), yet this one somehow manages to combine both into something fresh and new that kept me surprised throughout. Highly recommended.
• During my other projects I took time out here and there to watch Flight of the Conchords. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this show is frakking HILARIOUS. Watch it, watch it, watch it.
  
• Folks, I have had a breakthrough. For a while I was teetering on the edge of 100% nerdiness, but you’ll be relieved to hear that I have finally overbalanced and plunged right over. The last things left to me? Getting into comic books and becoming addicted to video games. The comic book love finally happened when I got addicted to Y the Last Man, and I fully intend to get into the Buffy, Firefly, and Battlestar Galactica comics. Yes I know that those are mostly based on television, but it’s a gateway right? Any suggestions will be appreciated.As for video games, I have spent several hours (when not working, sewing, or watching Flight of the Conchords) over the last week playing Portal. There are several reasons why I am not normally into gaming which are worthy of a blog post in their own right, but suffice it to say I dislike games where the point is to kill things and I dislike games that are so hard you either have to play for 10 years or be a Hawking brain-alike. I’m not dumb but neither am I a genius, and I do not find frustration to be at all entertaining. Portal fits into my narrow gaming requirements quite nicely, and the script for the computer character has a dark humor that I quite enjoy. This video is the reason I got into the game at all – I saw it posted around on a few blogs and it became ingrained in my brain. This is actually the end credits of the game, which is a song written by the awesome Jonathan Coulton and voiced by the computer character.Catchy, no? Anyway, after listening about eleventy-billion times I decided to research what the game was all about. Basically your character wakes up in a deserted complex and is presented with a series of tasks/puzzles to complete during which you may or may not die, all in order to test the function of a unique gun – it creates portals on just about any surface, and you get to chose where the entrance and exit are, like a wormhole. This leads to cool stuff like following yourself around and around in a loop, or placing one end of the portal high on a wall and the other down a giant hole so you can build momentum while you fall into the lower one and then come out the upper end and shoot across a chasm. You’ll find yourself setting up all kinds of fun portals just to see what happens. And remember, the cake is a lie.
• What else, what else. Hmmm…. I don’t know. Ok, here’s something – I’m thinking about what to make food-wise for christmas. So far I have truffles, shortbread cookies, toffee, and gingerbread men (with chocolate chip buttons, so cute). Thoughts?